will I discover a soul-saving love or just the dirt above and below me

"Doubting Thomas"
Nickel Creek
(i'm starting to cite the lyrical reference i use as my subject)


too long since my last expression.

i was sick for like 5 days this last week/end. it was awful. didn't work, didn't hang out with people. so basically i'm very lacking in the social contact arena. i feel like i've missed a lot. in this time, i've decided to learn to knit, and have felt deeply like writing in my journal again. i haven't done it in so long, and i forget how easy it is for me to process my life when i'm writing it down. i feel like i haven't really processed life as well as i have in the past. so i'm starting that up again soon. yay me.

i need to go shopping for wintery clothes, because i'm getting cold. but that will be very difficult to do, because i also have to pay for my passport and immunizations for kenya this month. boo for not having health insurance.

but exciting part: i have flight reservations for kenya now!!! its almost official! i'm so beyond excited its difficult to put into words. i have a layover in amsterdam too. how amazing is that?? i have all morning there too, so i'm hoping there will be a bit of time to go out in the city for something. frick. amazing.


side note. i've been working in the girls chemical dependency cottage, and i'm absolutely loving it. i love it even more than working with the little kids. which is not what i expected. if i were to move to a full time position, i think i would want it to be with this program. i am trying to be aware of this new development, and trying not to lose sight of my vision. i don't want to forget that my goal is to go to africa and work with the children there. but then again, what if i'm supposed to do something with chemical dependency for a while, because i know i'm not meant to be in africa right now. that's something that's going to happen down the line in the future. so...i'm curious about the new possibilities that are opening up from this.

thanksgiving is this week. i'm not going home. this is my first major holiday away from home. its going to be weird, but i'm proud of myself for having a life up here and people to spend the holiday with. its kind of exciting to be building a life for myself up here.

i guess that's all. i have more to say, but its all in random sporadic thoughts rather than cohesive ideas.



love

i found myself facedown in at ditch, booze in my hair, blood on my lips

I'M GOING TO KENYA!!!



i feel so much like this opportunity is coming right now to affirm all the work that God has done in my heart in the last few months. why would i feel this incredible burden on my heart for this time, and then have the exact opportunity to do what i've been dreaming of fall into my lap so unexpectedly? i feel like puzzle pieces are matching up, stars are aligning, watches are synchronizing...

here we go.



i have a poem and a painting in my heart right now. they will be coming out very soon. and i'm excited for that.

:)

take the world upon your shoulders, and burn, burn, burn, burn, burn

guess who's having red mill for lunch today. oh yeah, that's me. so excited!


so seasons are changing. i mean that literally and metaphorically. i absolutely love seeing seattle in the fall. autumn is my favorite. the colors change on the trees, the leaves fall to the ground...i fear there wont be much crunching of the leaves due to the massive amounts of rain in this region, but oh well.

metaphorically speaking, i begin a new chapter of my life next week. the weight and significance of this has not hit me yet. i am about to embark on the first step of actually realizing the vision that i have for my life. for those who haven't heard, next week i start my new job as on-call residential counselor at ryther child center. this will entail working in several different residential programs that ryther offers, mainly with kids who are warrants of the state whose parents have little to no rights, and who also have severe behavioral/boundary issues, and possibly with kids who are in treatment for chemical dependency. this is going to be a really intense transition, because i have not worked in this kind of environment before. i am lucky, because so far, my plan is to keep my current job at the bank temporarily and on an intermittent basis. that means that while i'm learning the ropes and adjusting to the environment at my new job, i can have the bank as a back-up. not as a chance to keep it available to me if it gets too difficult, because i do not want to back away from this challenge. more as a confidence builder, that at least sometimes i'll be doing something that i know i'm good at. and also as a release, a chance to take a break from new stressful challenges, while still making the money that i need.




now for why i am so excited for this job, and the real reason for this blog. it has been a long and eventful journey to get me here. it started out at urbana '06. i read isaiah 6 and felt a deep connection to the passage. the man i heard speak about it talked about how isaiah was given his vision by God. first, isaiah was given a glimpse of the holiness of God, an image of who God is. next, isaiah was shown the areas of his life that needed cleansing, or work, or where he was sinful. and finally, isaiah was given a calling from God. God had a task that isaiah was to fulfill and isaiah stepped up to the plate. when i read this passage, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that this is what my journey would be like.

sure enough, i saw the first part of this prophecy start to take shape. it wasn't necessarily as linear as isaiah's experience, but had all the same steps none-the-less. first i was given a vision of the holiness of God. i was overwhelmed with the realization of who God is, how great and big and loving he is. this experience was both a literal vision that i had in a dream, as well as the longer process of reading scripture and learning about the nature of God. next, God showed me who i am. i had to look at the essence of what makes me who i am. i looked at my flaws, my sins, and areas where i could grow as a person. and i also looked at things about myself that are good, beautiful and worthy of love (you might not think so, but both were equally difficult for me, since up until this point i had deemed myself unlovable). this process took an even longer period of time, finally culminating in finding peace and safety in the promises God makes about himself and his relationship with me. so for about the last year, i have been basking in how amazing it feels to know who God is, and know who i am, and how God and i relate to each other.

moving to seattle was a big step in my journey as well, because it has allowed me to take a step out of the comfortable life that i've known for 21 years and see if i could fare as an adult on my own. so far its been good. since i've been here, learning how to function without the system i'd had around me til now, and learning to build my own relationships and support, i've had a chance to take a look at my life, what i'm doing to make it better, how i'm growing and what i'm doing to aid in making progress. i decided i wasn't really doing anything. i took a job in banking, which i desperately wanted to get out of when i moved here, and had started to settle into familiar routines, just in a different place. so i started taking steps to better myself. i have had a desire in my heart for travel for a long time, and have in the past few years felt like i was being led in a missionary direction, but i haven't been sure what that will look like. so, in an effort to facilitate growing towards figuring that out, i decided to work on becoming more globally minded. in this process, i have been given a vision for my life. not just a vague idea like possibly being a missionary somewhere in the world doing who knows what. i have a more specific idea of where i want to end up:

i have developed a big heart for africa. namely people who are refugees from their country, people who have been affected by the civil wars that rage on that continent, and families that have been torn apart by the AIDS pandemic. it is my desire to go to africa, most likely southern africa, and start/work in an orphanage. i want to provide a home and love to children who's parents have died of aids, or who were forced out of their country due to civil war, or have other needs. i don't have a timeline on this, though. its tough to say whether i will be in africa in the next 5 years, or if it will take me 15-20 years to complete this goal. but that's what i want to be the icing on the cake of my life. its where i want to end up.

so this job at ryther will be the first step toward achieving that. it will challenge me in ways that i'm not used to, and i will be able to begin pouring into the lives of children who need it the most. i will have the chance to provide hope to kids who have lost it, and love to kids who have forgotten what that feels like. so i'm excited!



this blog has turned out to be way longer than anticipated, but i'm okay with that. kudos to you if you actually read the whole thing!!

with love,
car

five names you might not know but should get used to hearing

1. sufjan stevens
2. ani difranco
3. denison wittmer
4. greg laswell
5. okkervil river

you gave your body to the lonely, they took your clothes

i was hit hard with a moment of conviction today. i am a terribly judgemental person. the funny thing is, this is the biggest thing i strive NOT to be. i have been surrounded with so much judgement from people in my past and i made a decision to not be like that.

but i am.

i was sitting here at work a few minutes ago, and in walks madge. in my time here at the bank, she hasn't always been my favorite person. i have made judgements about her character, and assumptions about who she is. and i have let that affect how i treat her. i have talked about her behind her back. i have been short or bitter towards her when she has been undeserving of it. today, she sat down next to me and used the phone to call her son. perhaps i shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but we were in a small room together. it was nearly impossible not to. but hearing her interaction with her son changed my heart. granted, i have been feeling more of an affinity for her lately, but today i've been shown the error of my ways.

the fact of the matter is i do this with a lot of people. almost everyone that i work with, and some of the people i'm friends with. i put people in a box, and assume they are going to live in it for me. thats not fair. and its not fair for me to judge someone's character based on my personal distaste for a particular situation, or because someone doesn't do things exactly like i do. each of us is different, and thank god because if everyone ran around acting, thinking, feeling just like me... well lets just not think about that.

so here's hoping that my thoughts and actions will change from here on out.


on a separate, unrelated note, i'm currently in love with sufjan stevens. let me just share this song with you...

I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me
You went up on a tree
I've never known a man who loved me


beautiful words about a beautiful man.

morning comes in paradise, morning comes in light

this new sun rises, and i have new eyes
i can see things clearly now

i can see your heart
quivering in vulnerability
wondering where to go from here
while you sip the wine
that isn't exactly an escape
but it makes you feel safe

i can see joy
that blurs the edges of life
and makes it difficult
to imagine an end
to hope

i can see a path before me
that i didn't see til now
and i fear its the one i should take
but how do you take
the first step in the right direction?

i can see love
freely given
but left unaccepted
and i feel the call
for more
to be more
to do more

i can see beauty
in the little things
and in each human
that has been hidden or lost or stolen
beauty that saves
that's beautiful

we've got the roots in music my rock

normally, i am accepting of the fact that i think a lot. generally, i do a lot of introspection. today it is unwelcome. i feel like if i embrace the directions my mind wants to go, i will end up feeling thoroughly in the dumps. and i don't want to feel that way.

but yeah. i feel concerned. for a friend. and potential decisions. that's all i'll say.

this last weekend was awesome. i got to celebrate my best friend's birthday!! we went camping, had some really good times, and then went to bumbershoot on monday. we only saw paramore and bedouin soundclash perform, but man, they were both so great, it was worth it. i have a renewed love for bedouin soundclash. good times. great friends.

love all around.

wont you let me give you a hand, i've got an extra i'm not using

its been a week or two since i've posted.

today i'm feeling overwhelmed.  the next few weeks are looming on the horizon, and i'm nervous.  i feel like things are going to change around me, and i wont be changing with them.  i'm scared that the upcoming changes are going to leave me in the dust.  and i'll be stuck.  i'm probably being dramatic, things wont be too bad, etc.  but this is how i feel.  i'm scared.  i'm afraid that the changes that i want to make in my life wont happen.  i feel discouraged, and i feel alone.

this aggression will not stand, man.

this last week has been an eventful one for the world around us. there was never really a time when i've felt particularly connected to the outside world (and by outside, i mean of course in relation to my own little comfortable bubble of influence). my world has almost always consisted of a 30 or so square mile area of northern california.

a few years ago i had the opportunity to broaden that a little bit, and pieces of my heart were scattered across the united states with the new friends that i had made on summer project.

now, my connections with the world have broadened still. i have friends who have been/are all over the world. friends who have lived in turkey, friends who were born in poland, friends that currently live in england.

and one friend in particular who is volunteering with the peace corps in Georgia. my heart is now irreversibly tied to a small country in eastern europe. my thoughts are literally half a world away, crossing borders in the night, leaving all possessions behind, tormented by the sound of bombs in the distance. this "war" has a face for me.

but then again...it should have a face for everyone. because the people fighting, and the people being attacked are all people. they all have a face, and a heart, and they are all human.

its the end of the world as we know it

things happen so quickly in my  mind.  most of the time i don't understand it.  i jump from one unreasonable conclusion to the next until i'm completely outside the realm of coherent thought, and feeling like poo.  i wish there was a way for me to get this under control, because it only leads to unnecessary hurt and insecurity.  and that's just ridiculous.  i guess its a good thing i know that i do this.  that's probably the first step right?  the difficulty comes in trying to decipher what are legitimate feelings and what is just me running away with my thoughts.

hmm...

conundrum.

i'm going back to california again.  this is the last time for a while.  its for sure going to be different this time because the friends that i once had there have mostly departed to their next journeys as well.  i have less than a handful of people (other than immediate family) that i care to see while i'm there.  that's fine with me.  its just going to be a different experience than i'm used to.

it kinda freaks me out that i don't have an idea of the next time i'm going home.  my trips home so far have been landmarks in the seattle experience.  like i just have to make it to my next visit home.  but after this, i don't have to go back for anything.  no more weddings, no more goodbyes.  i might not even go back for christmas.  its a weird feeling.

i'm done.

remember abby morgan? wait, is she not funny yet?

i love people.

i am nothing without the people around me. though they may change from time to time, and some are closer than others, i wouldn't be who i am today without the relationships i've been in: good, bad and everything in-between.

with what a powerful impact relationships can have on a person, i have a distinct goal with my relationships. i have an image in my head of the kind of friend that i want to be, and the kind of relationships i want to have.

i want to be intentional: making and continuing to make an effort to maintain relationships with people, even when distance or busy lifestyles keep us apart.

i want to be real: authentic (truefaced, if you will), honest, open with who i am, while at the same time allowing for an environment for other people to be just as real, authentic and honest with me.

i want to be loving: encouraging, uplifting, supportive in order to build people up.

i want to challenge: challenge those around me to be the best that they can be, not settle for complacency, but achieve goals that they have for themselves, and continuously grow as human beings.

i love MY people.

i put the fun in dysfunctional

Introspection is best for a person in moderated doses. I enjoy a good soul searching, but too much of it can have a detrimental effect on a person's well-being. That being the case, this entry will be sporadic, and not too in depth on anything in particular. I need a break from intense introspection and philosophizing.

I'm tired. This week has taken it out of me mentally. I've decided (again) that I need a new job. Its just too much. I have goals that I'm not doing anything to work toward right now. And I have self respect that is making it difficult for me to be in the current environment.

I can think of at least two people who are in the same boat with me on the work sitch. We all need to be more empowered and do things to better our circumstances. Whether that means making a stand to change how you're being treated, or ending the situation. We should have the courage and faith to know that we can do it, and it will be okay.

Okay, I feel better now. And none of this was too deep. It was just good.

my super power

I have what I like to call a super power.  I think its great - when it works to my advantage.  You might not think its so amazing, but I do.  So are you ready?

I am pretty good at reading people's authenticity.  I put it this way because I mean that I'm pretty good at knowing when people are b.s.ing or manipulating.  I'm pretty good at noticing when people are fibbing/being deceptive, or being surfacy, or covering up for how they really feel.  A lot of people's actions and intentions are transparent to me (Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, I can read people in this way).

Here's the catch: (well there's two actually)

1.  My power does not work on myself.  It only works when I'm viewing the situation from the outside.  Meaning I can't tell when I'm being manipulated, or when people are lying or being surfacy with me (In one-on-one situations).

2. I haven't completely learned to control this power.  I can, on occasion, let my own opinions and feelings towards a person cloud my impressions of them.  This is a rare occasion, and usually only happens when I feel threatened.  And I'm generally quickly proven wrong and forced to re-evaluate.

I think its a pretty good power because it helps me to get to know the people around me.  And I like people, and I like getting to know them better.  So how can I argue with this gift?  I can't.  I'm just going to practice and refine it.

do you ever have one of those days?

I woke up this morning in a funk. I was jolted awake around 6 am with a terrible tummy ache. I hadn't had anything to eat since dinner at 5pm or so, but I felt incredibly nauseous. So I lay there until 7:30, in complete terror that I would start dry heaving at any moment. No fun.

I couldn't shake it all morning. I got to work and realized that I was late for the meeting that I was told about, but completely forgot. It quickly became one of those days that you just really don't want to be at work.

Add to this the fact that its July, and quite overcast and rainy today in Seattle, and the funk becomes even harder to maneuver out of. It is my philosophy though, that life is a choice. So much so that its tattooed on my arm. Here's what I mean by that.

To an extent, everyone has circumstances that are out of their control, a hand that they are dealt. This is where i think a lot of people give up. The next step in this is that we have a choice!!! We can choose how we react and deal with whatever we are given. The same thing goes with love, self-esteem, etc. Its all a choice. And its a choice that you have to keep on making, not a choice that you can make once and be done with it. Its a daily or even moment to moment thing.

So today my choice is to not stay in this funk. I'm making the choice to get over it. No matter what. Anyone else want to get out of this funk??


*******


On a separate, unrelated note: I thoroughly enjoy it when people compliment me on my cash counting skills/speed.

live your hopes, not your fears

I am in need of a new creative outlet.  In honor of several new friends that keep a blog, I've chosen this form of expression.  It's much cheaper than painting.

I spent the weekend in Oregon, for my new friends' - Elise and Matt - wedding.  It was absolutely gorgeous there.  Generally speaking, I like having something on the horizon; buildings, mountains, trees, etc.  The house where the wedding was at was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by fields, no town for miles.  There were mountains in the distance, all around, but far away.  I loved it.  The view was fantastic, the atmosphere loving and exciting.

A few months ago, 5 to be exact, I moved to Seattle.  It was difficult, duh.  I was beyond excited to get out of Elk Grove, and was prepared for what was to come, but actually experiencing it was a whole other story.  It has been a complete blessing and challenge to be here with my best friend.  We have added a new dynamic to our friendship: being roommates.  I like it.

We have gotten jobs, made new friends, started cultivating lives for ourselves in this new place.  We have little things here and there that are the same, like our mutual love of road trips, that help to keep us going when the new environment gets tough.  But most of all, every day is exciting!

I can honestly say that I am completely in love with living in Seattle.  I love being here and sharing it with my best friend.  I love the amazing new people that we've met and had the pleasure to get to know lately.  The Fab Four, as we like to call ourselves, are pretty much the most amazing group of people you'll ever know.  I love that there's always somewhere to go when you want something new, and I love that there's already the tried and true places that have become routine stomping ground.  I love getting up everyday and thinking about how much I love this city.  I love coming around the hill and seeing the Seattle skyline and feeling like I'm home.  I love that its still full of unlimited possibility.  And I love that I don't feel stuck here.

I can't wait for each new day.  And that's a good feeling.