home

i made a realization today.

every time i come home i think about all the great things about this place. i glamorize it in my mind and get to the point where i even kind of miss it at times. when it gets really intense i even sometimes wish i could go back.

now, i don't really feel this way about home. i'm happy to be gone and i'm happy with the life i've cultivated for myself. so it can be somewhat disconcerting when i get to the point of missing it.

the realization comes in this: i don't actually miss this place, nor do i want to come back. the feeling that i get isn't a desire to have it back at all. it is a feeling of safety and comfort and of familiarity.

that's what gets me every time.

my story...so far (warning: this is a level -1)

lately i've been thinking a lot about who i am, how i got here, who God is, and what he's done in my life. and i've been struck with the desire to write it down. so i'll start from the beginning. this is all of it. the dark and the light. the suffering and the hope.

this is me.

i was born in sacramento, ca. i have a little brother who is just 2.5 years younger than me. i was a happy kid, loved playing with my cousins and being with my family, liked putting on plays and playing music and sports with my dad. when i was four, my parents divorced. after that, my overall demeanor changed. i became a shy, introverted, insecure kid who didn't like to have the attention on me. it was a complete 180. in a lot of ways i'm still dealing with the effects of it.

i'm going to skip ahead a lot now. mostly because childhood wasn't the most fun for me, and i don't remember a whole lot of it. here are the basics: i loved school and learning. i was even lucky enough to take an assessment in 2nd grade that resulted in me skipping 3rd. i was blessed to have a very close family. i got to spend a lot of time with my grandparents on both sides, with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. in junior high, i had a bout with anorexia that was brought on more out of ambivalence than out of a desire to be thin.

the most influential piece of the puzzle of my childhood involves my mom. when i was about 7 years old, she decided to go back to school. she would spend two evenings a week in classes. then, she started seeing this guy. in general he was a nice guy, but there were some things that made their imprint on my heart. namely, he occupied my mom for even more time (she was already going to school two nights a week). i can remember weekends when my mom would take my brother and i to his house, and they would lock themselves in the bedroom and not come out at all. also, my brother and i would be dragged along on adult camping trips where we were the only children. i didn't learn until later exactly how much anger this built up in my heart.

that was the essence of my childhood, and the story picks back up at the tender age of 13. my mom had met a new guy, this time on the internet. and they were married within 3 months of meeting. with him, came his 15 year old son. that same fall, i started high school. so with all that, and the residual anger from my mom's last relationship, you can bet that i was the picture of teen angst. my new stepbrother and i bonded over our mutual hatred of the situation we had been forced into. i even protested by not going to their wedding.

that year, my freshman year of high school, i decided to try out for the softball team. i enjoyed it so much. it provided me with much needed camaraderie and a place where i belonged. and i was out of the house. mid-way through our season, one of my teammates committed suicide. she was also in one of my classes, and this being my first experience with death, it hit me hard. even though we weren't close friends, i felt a huge sense of guilt. i can remember a day a couple weeks before it happened where she came up to me in class and asked me how i was. i remember seeing pain in her face, but probing no further. not to mention, i had recently taken over her position as shortstop on our softball team, and had to continue playing it after she died. i even got up and spoke at her funeral. i count this as one of the top 5 most influential periods of my life, and while it was one of the most difficult things i've experienced, i think (and you'll see why) that dealing with this helped to save my life.

after that, high school progressed. sophomore year brought new friends, my first real exposure to and interest in God (which was fueled by the intensity of the death of a friend), and the moving out of my stepbrother (who had become my closest friend). junior year is where things took a turn. i was overcome by the anger and confusion inside me. i didn't know how to process it, and i became depressed. i started engaging in self-injury on a daily basis, and nearly failed a lot of my classes. i started drinking and smoking weed, and taking pain killers. i stayed out until all hours of the night and at times became an insomniac. this behavior continued well into college, though it varied in severity. there were times when i wanted to give up, but having been on the left behind side of a suicide before, i knew what it did to other people, and i could never do that to my family and friends.

senior year also brought my next encounters with death. on thanksgiving, my grandparents told me that my grandma on my dad's side had liver cancer, and it was only a matter of time. in the spring, very suddenly and unexpectedly, my grandpa on my mom's side passed away. he had been swimming at our local club and had a heart attack. i learned a lot in the weeks to follow. i learned that i can do anything i set my mind to. not only was my family grieving, but i (at the age of 16) was left to care for my nieces who were 2 and 3 while my parents dealt with things. then, not 2 months later, my grandpa on my dad's side died suddenly of a heart attack. at that point, i was almost numb to this kind of thing. it was difficult seeing my grandma left alone, but that side of the family handled it a lot differently. there was a lot of strength, hope, and celebration of life that came out of it.

graduating from high school was anti-climactic for me. i was glad to be gone from that environment, but i didn't get to go far. because of skipping a grade in elementary school, i was only 16 when i graduated and my dad wouldn't let me go away to college. so i was stuck going to the local university, and resented it. i was still stuck with the same people and situations that had held me back in high school. i went to a college where i didn't connect to anything. i was fed up with my existence. i was surrounded by people who treated each other like shit (there's no other word for it). since high school this group of people was awful. we were the kids who had been burned by everyone else, but instead of banding together to change it, we were 10 times worse to each other. i was fed up.

spring break of my freshman year of college, i went down to LA to visit one of my best friends at her school. i got to see what her experiences were. i got to be a part of the relationships that she'd developed. i got to see what its like to be in happy healthy relationships. when i got home from that trip, i asked her why her life was so much different and better than mine. she told me that it was jesus. she had gotten involved with campus crusade for christ that year, and sent me the 4 spiritual laws. after reading them over, and thinking (now i'd call it praying), i decided that these laws were true. i was sinful, and i what was missing from my life was God.

for about 6 months, no one but my friend knew about this change in my life. my family was not christian, in fact my mom was very anti-church. i had even gone through a period of vehemently denying the existence of God. my friend got me my first bible for my 18th birthday. and i reconnected with a friend from high school who i knew went to church, and she invited me to come to her young adult group. and that was my first real experience with church. it was at this church that i first met my current best friend. that fall, i also said goodbye to my grandma who had liver cancer. she had made it longer than anyone had expected, and as difficult as it was to say goodbye, it was good to see her relieved of her suffering (for those of you who know a little bit about liver cancer, its pretty intense and painful).

during my sophomore year of college, my friend invited me to a conference in southern california put on my campus crusade for christ. it was there that i really started to learn about jesus. i learned a bit of theology that helped me to understand exactly what i had signed up for when i gave my life to christ. i was blessed to hear from amazing speakers like frances chan and donald miller. and i learned that there was a campus crusade at my school. at this conference, they asked me to be involved, and even lead the movement on my campus. being the naive 1 year old christian that i was, i signed up.

leading a movement on my campus involved all of the administrative stuff with the school, as well as organizing/coordinating/facilitating meetings and bible studies. i literally jumped in head first into ministry. we also got training and experience in sharing our faith on campus. they encouraged me to go on a summer project. i applied and was accepted to newport beach summer project 2005.

summer project was a life-changing experience for me. for the first time in my life i got to see what the body of christ really looks like. i saw a group of people coming together for a common goal, uplifting and encouraging each other, facing the tough stuff together, and seeking God together. through discipleship and my small group that summer, i started to learn that i had decided somewhere along the line that i was unlovable, and that wasn't okay, because God wanted to love me if i would let him. little did i know at the time what i was in for in learning how to let God love me, or how long of a process it was going to be.

coming home after being in that environment was supremely difficult for me. i had a few new friendships that were developing, including one with my best friend. i went straight back to school, and to leading crusade on my campus. and i had to decide on a major. and i was still dealing with feeling unlovable. in october, it all came to a head. i dropped out of school and out of sheer panic took a roadtrip to santa barbara to see my discipler from summer project. the next few weeks started to spiral out of control. i had stopped cutting after doing it for 3 years when i became a christian. i resumed this practice. my friendship with my new best friend was crumbling. we were both experiencing some really intense things that we couldn't go through together, but i didn't understand that at the time. i was having a major life crisis, i was depressed, i was cutting, and i was unlovable.

during this time, i was smart enough to go to counseling. i had a great counselor who gave me a lot of good insights, and some really powerful tools for coping. but still, i hit rock bottom. i had to realize that i was angry. i had to deal with that. i had to learn that God is not a band aid. wounds are there until you deal with them and let God heal them, and they will be there whether you acknowledge them or not. by the grace of God and with the support of some very key people in my life, i made it through that storm. i started to learn how to love myself. because i couldn't let God love me if i didn't first love myself.

at this point, i had a full time job, and decided that it was time for me to move out. i got my first apartment with a friend. this was short-lived and we soon parted ways. my best friend and i made the mutual choice to invest in our friendship, and started to be intentional with that. and i found a new church that i enjoyed, and decided to intern there. i moved into an apartment with the other intern, started classes at bible school, and embarked on my next adventure.

it was short-lived, however, and i quickly learned that it wasn't the place for me, and they weren't the people to help me deal with the things that i still hadn't dealt with. i had another small breakdown where i moved out of the intern apartment, and left the church. i asked my family if i could go home, but was turned away. it was at this time that my best friend and her family offered their home to me. i had no intention of saying yes, but i humbled myself to receive the blessing they were offering, and it turned out to be the right choice. they were incredibly understanding of what i was going through, and provided an environment for me to heal.

during this time i suffered from anxiety and a crisis of identity. the previous year i had been learning to love myself and let God love me. now it was time to learn who exactly it was that needed this love. i had to learn how to trust God in who he is and who he promises i am. this storm i came out of with a tattoo on my collarbone. it is the hebrew word for peace: "shalom". but its not just peace. shalom is a fullness, wholeness, completeness in the presence of God. not only did i overcome my anxiety over a lack of control, but i also found myself in the presence of God. it was also during this time that God gave me a vision, he made some promises. he showed me a picture of the kind of community in the body of christ that he wanted me to be a part of. he showed me that i wasn't going to find it where i was at. he gave me a glimpse of the bigger things that he was calling me to. he started to stir things in my heart.

over the next year, i learned a lot more about myself. these were more of the little details, though. i had a few tough experiences, and was blessed to have a best friend who taught me a lot. our friendship has been a witness to God's perfect timing, as well as his faithfulness in challenging me to something bigger and better.

we decided that we needed to get out of the podunk town we were from, and to move to seattle. so we packed up our things and headed out. i could go into a ton of detail about all that i've learned from being up here, but most of that you'll find in older blog posts. ;) the gist of it is that i've reached the culmination of part of God's vision for me. i've found that community he promised me 3 years ago. God took me to the other side of the world and he showed me where my heart is and where my focus should be. he's calling me to even more than this.

in being separated from my old life, i've found healing. namely in my relationship with my mom. we have started to get to know each other as humans, and not as this forced mother/daughter image we have for each other. she has come to know God too, and i'm incredibly proud of the person i'm learning she is.

God has been immeasurably faithful to me in my life, and through it all i have faith in him. most of the time i don't understand what's going on around me, but he does. and he's done all of this in my weakness, brokenness and humility. i have a lot of hope for the future and what i know God can do. i have joy in knowing that i have sought after him, and that i'm right where he wants me at this very moment. and i have joy in the relationships he's placed around me. if you've known me for a long time, you probably know that i'm a completely different person in a lot of ways than i was when i was a kid, or 5 years ago, or even 2 years ago. i have been challenged by God, and challenged myself, and to his glory, i've changed.


if you actually made it through my story, thank you. you are a true friend, and a blessing to me. i hope that you will trust me enough to share your story too, because i want to hear it. in fact, call me, or facebook me...right now. let's go to coffee, or have a friendship night.

seasons

let me think of how to convey this...

i had a mentor in california who believes strongly in the connections between physical/mental/emotional/spiritual realms. in particular, she saw the connection between incredibly important life events and certain times in her life, or seasons. i like to think of it as relating to the people of Israel. sometimes you're in Egypt, sometimes you're in Sinai, sometimes you're in Babylon, and sometimes you're in Jerusalem. there is a time for being in each place, and in a sense, its cyclical. i've seen these connections in my own life, as well. let me explain a little further.

this time of year is a season for me. it starts in november and continues until sometime in late january, early february. there have been at least 2 or 3 years where i've noticed this pattern, and had this time period stick out to me where significant life events have occurred.

four years ago, during this time period, i experienced the disintigration of a friendship, my sense of self, and my relationship with God, as well as resorting back to depressive behaviors, including cutting. i came out on the other end of this having reestablished said friendship and my relationship with God, and learning to trust God with healing my heart and allowing him to love me.

the following year, i had a huge struggle with anxiety and learning the person that God made me to be. this was accompanied by anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, major changes in life circumstances, and the like. this time i came out on the other end knowing exactly what it means to give things up to God and trusting that he has my best interests at heart.

this last year was tame compared to the previous two years' chains of events. i had some times of being down, spent the first year of my life away from my family for most of the holidays, and was stretched to the breaking point being snowed in for a solid week.

prior to these times, i had not been a christian, and was thus experiencing this kind of stuff regularly throughout the year.

so, relating this back to my mentor and her thoughts...she told me that these time periods are related, and there was a significant event in my past during these months that is underlying in my heart and my subconsious that is causing these recurring thoughts and feelings. so i started thinking back, and i couldn't pinpoint anything that was traumatic or life-changing. and then it hit me.

my parent's divorce was finalized on the day after christmas when i was 4 years old. during these months when i was 4 years old, i experienced my family being torn apart.

i know it seems like this should be something i'm over. it happened when i was 4, right? but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. i wasn't old enough to understand, and be able to process all that a divorce means. i wasn't able to distinguish how it made me feel, express that, and move on. in a lot of ways, i was stagnated at that point, socially, emotionally, etc.

my point is this. i'm entering into a time that i know is a season for me. it is very easy for me, during this time, to be tired, anti-social, and be overcome by sadness. i don't know how to deal with that. i don't want this to be another year like ones past. that's all. i don't really know how to handle this time of the year.

leaky ceiling

its saturday, and i'm at work.

we have a leak in our roof. well, more like 3. as we placed a bucket underneath to catch the water and looked up to the sky, we could see the damage to the area surrounding the leak. it occurred to me that this isn't just a little bit of water coming in from a storm outside. this has the potential to do a lot of damage to the structure of the building. and i was struck at the profound significance this thought has in the rest of my life right now.

i'm at the point in a particular situation where the roof is caving in around me, and i have to ask myself, when did the leak start? at what point did i make the decision to ignore it? have i known all along that this was going to happen?

the thing of it is, i think i can pinpoint when the leak started. and i think the leak was fear. i chose to ignore it for a long time.

the time has come to actually deal with the matter at hand. how much am i at fault? how much do i need to let go of? can we even start over, or is this damage irreparable?

sure enough, the only answer is God. his grace, mercy, love, forgiveness and hope.

living in tension

the concept of "living in the tension" is not new to me. in a sense its something we all have to do on a daily basis. there's a fundamental element of the world being at odds with itself and everything else at all times. there are moments of harmony that burst through the tension. i've heard that described as heaven coming to earth.

this makes me think of two things:

first, what is "living in the tension"? here's how its manifesting itself in my life this week. i have had this profound joy from being in community, experiencing God's faithfulness and knowing i'm right where i'm supposed to be. but at the same time things are happening around me so that i feel immense sorrow, grief, and a huge sense of loss; i have a strong desire to go home and be with family and people from my past, some in support of them, some as support for me. clearly there are some very conflicting things going on in my life/heart/mind right now. "living in the tension" is finding out how to live into that, being okay in the tension and not letting it overcome you. realizing that it is actually a good thing. because, while some of these things are conflicting in nature they are, at their root, healthy.

second, what do i mean, heaven coming to earth? when we recognize the tension around us we open doors at every turn to share what God's love really looks like. and in those moments when we walk through those doors, heaven goes from being the theoretical place we go to when we die to shattering through our present situation. these are the moments people say they looked up into the eyes of someone near and say they saw jesus.

heaven is possible here on earth. and i think it is in this tension that it is most pronounced, easiest to achieve, and most life-changing.

if we can learn how to live in the tension.

community

i'm fired up. here's why.



i have a distinct vision for the kind of community (body of christ) that i want to be a part of, and i have felt for some time now that i might actually be in an environment where i have the opportunity to see that come to fruition. in fact, the conversations that i've been having with people in the last month or two have led me to believe that we are on the precipice of big change.



however, i had a very enlightening conversation last night with a good friend of mine who is not a part of this community but is someone whose opinion i highly respect. she has been trying to break into this community, and invite her fiance who is adamantly against jesus to see what god's love really looks like. and break is the key word here. she has been making an effort, and been getting resistance from key people that i would have expected to be incredibly welcoming if for no other reason than this person is my friend. we have created this shell around us that makes it impossible for others to break into.



and the thing is, they shouldn't have to. the community here that is already established should be thinking of ways to invite and welcome people into that, rather than close people off. because this friend of mine who is not a christian is having all of his preconceived notions about "the church" proven with our behavior. and my good friend who is making an effort with my friends in this community is not having that reciprocated.



as a body of christ, THIS IS NOT OKAY.





there are three crucial elements to the community that i personally want to cultivate. these are three characteristics that i think help develop community, as well as sustain it, and my explanations with these are how i see these terms, and are not necessarily the only things that could be included on this list.



intentional: community does not develop and live on its own. it is up to the people in it to create, develop and sustain it. this means that it is a personal choice for each person involved. community will not work if there are people in it who are unwilling to invest.



authentic: this is relatively broad, and can mean lots of different things, but here's what i'm thinking...community should be a place where people can be exactly who they are, no apologies, no condemnation, no judgment. only love and support. another friend of mine put it this way: it is coming alongside people in their journey. meeting them where they are and loving them in that. (this also relates the the intentional aspect of it, because authenticity cannot happen without intentionality, and people making the choice to love others, and trusting others with who they really are)



challenging: this logically follows from being intentional and authentic. there comes a point after we meet someone where they are at and show them we love them where we then encourage them to grow. this is not forcing people to adhere to our own convictions, but encouraging growth in their own journey with god and themselves, whatever that looks like for them. but i feel that as brothers and sisters in christ, we have a responsibility to each other to love one another enough to not see them stagnate.





i hope we can become a welcoming, inviting, intentional, authentic, and challenging community.

think i'm mistaking you for somebody else

"foolish games"
jewel


i'm writing today having just returned from a short visit home to elk grove. who am i kidding, all my visits to elk grove are short, thank goodness.

anyway, my best friend and a couple good ones drove back to our hometown partially to celebrate a birthday, and partially to reconnect with important things in our past and present lives. overall, the trip was great, and much needed, since i had not been back since christmas, and even then it was a very short visit. i did, however, learn a few things while i was there.

first: i have come a long way from the person that i used to be. it had been almost a year since i've spent time with these people, particularly my family, and i've had a lot of big experiences and adventures since then. i was able to share some of this with them, and it felt good to be able to invite them to know the person that i feel like i'm well on my way to becoming. it was also encouraging to hear positive statements of affirmation from them, recognizing a change.

second: aside from my family, i have come to realize that the support system, and network of friends that i once held so dear is no longer what it used to be. that is okay. i had fun visiting briefly with the few friends that i got to see. but i've come to realize that i've developed the community i've desired here, in seattle. i had hopes in moving up here, desires, and i've seen them come to fruition. that's a good feeling.

third: i get really irritable when i'm exhausted. sorry for that. ;)

so life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil

"starting now"
ingrid michaelson


here are some of my thoughts on a pertinent subject for this period in our lives. this has been an ongoing conversation around me for some time now, and i think it might be time to share how i really feel. not that i haven't been honest up til this point, but there is more that i've held back in an effort to not hurt people's feelings. but i think this is truth. and it needs to be said.

we are at the age where relationships are a huge focal point of our lives. that's great. people are worth our investment. here's where i get concerned. there has been a lot of impatience about god bringing that man or woman of people's dreams, to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, happily ever after.

let me first just say that i am not discounting this desire. it is one that i share. i definitely desire to meet a man who shares my heart for jesus, my passion for missions, and all those wonderful things and we can get married and run off and have adventures together. but here's where my thoughts start to differ a bit.

it makes me sad when people are not content with where god has them at the present time. if there's one thing i've learned on this journey with jesus, its that his plans are way better than mine. the greatest thing i could possibly imagine for my life is miniscule compared to what he has in store. he will blow my mind, and rock my world...if i let him. i know people get tired of hearing others tell them that "god has a plan for their lives", "you just have to be patient", "god will give you the desires of your heart" or "god is just getting you ready"...but people say that stuff BECAUSE ITS TRUE!!! these are all statements of trust. the most basic foundational thing of a relationship with jesus is:

TRUST

trust that god knows you better than you know yourself, and that he's got your back. it's simple. we humans make it so difficult when it doesn't have to be.



furthermore, i think the most important thing we can do in preparation for whatever god has in store for us is to search our own hearts, and seek to be like jesus. if you are not seeking, growing, learning, then you're not ready! i desire to be the best woman i can be for this man when he crosses my path, and i sure hope that he's growing into the best possible man he can be for me.

another thing that i think is key to a healthy mindset about this is knowing god and yourself enough to be okay if there isn't a marriage on your horizon. jesus tells us there is no marriage in heaven (i say that not to disregard marriage on earth, because i think it's good, right, and true as well). in heaven we wont need to worry about who's married to whom. we will have jesus. and the same is true now. we have jesus. the rest of it matters an insignificant amount in comparison.

matthew 22:29-30
Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."


in 1 corinthians 7, paul talks about marriage and how when you are unmarried, you are free to be fully devoted to god. i think that he says this to let us know that being single is a blessing too. marriage is amazing, and knowing another person in such an intimate way was designed by god to give us a taste of the relationship between the father, the son, and the holy spirit, and a vision of what heaven will be like. BUT, when we are single, we are free to fully pursue his calling in our lives, his will on earth, and opportunities that we might not be given if we were committed to someone else. that is a blessing!

lastly, jesus says in matthew 6:33 "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." i am not sharing all these thoughts to make you feel bad about where you are, or to tell you you're wrong. not in the slightest. i merely hope that this will serve as a reminder that god is good, and we should seek him first. he is the one to whom all glory is given, and i for one want his direction in my life.

so seek him, and what he has for you, now, today, in this moment. ask him to show you how you can grow, change, be more like jesus. he wont let you down.

rainer maria rilke

i'm having trouble focusing today. which is probably good, because at the moment i'm trying to focus on reading the time traveler's wife, and its the last few pages and i'm not ready for it to end.

i'm feeling a bit of ennui today. i'm not sure whether it is the result of the death of my dear friend chuck norris (our fish), or the thoughts that are weighing on my heart and mind lately, or the lack of amazing things looming on my horizon, or some combination of the above. probably the latter.

i miss brenna.

i miss katie.

i'm grieving potential losses, which is silly because they are not yet losses, so why am i causing undo stress on myself? do i think its better to start grieving now so i'll be less sad later when it actually happens? this is warped logic. each day has enough trouble of its own, why worry about hypothetical situations in the future that i can't control? or can i control them by being aware of the possibilities now, and actively seeking positive outcomes?

i wish it were possible to read, write, and play minesweeper at the same time.

i am still haunted by words that my counselor said to me a couple years ago: he called me "wonderfully complex". i hate that about myself. i wish that i could just let things be simple. love God, love people. nothing else matters. if only it was that easy.

i'm very excited to learn about building godly, loving relationships in my small group. this study is going to be good.

i think my fears have warped themselves. i know that i have a fear of abandonment, and a fear of being unlovable. but i think now, there's also this element of the fear of being left behind...of being stagnant while people around me are moving forward.

i am appalled by how much power these lies have over my life, the way i think, the way i feel, and the way i act. how did i get to this point? how do i combat this? how do i take that power back, and give it to god?

"our heart survives between hammers, just as the tongue between the teeth is still able to praise...look, i’m alive. on what? neither childhood nor the future grows less…more being than I’ll ever need springs up in my heart." - the ninth elegy, rainer maria rilke

i have words floating around in my head. words, words, words...beckoning to be spilled on a page, to be freed from my head and my heart. but i don't know what they are. are these them?

celebration wedding

by bradley hathaway

this is for the ones whose hope is falling
and you no longer heed your savior's calling.
this is for the ones whoes backs are turning
and that passion-filled heart you once had has stopped burning.

this is for the ones abandoned.
now all alone with no solace
and you think that you're stranded.

this is for you empty, by life branded,
had a vision that took leap, but it never landed.

this is for the ones who are plagued.
by those mysteries of life.
and you feel torn inside by this mind and spirit strife.

this is for the ones whose mistakes are too many to count
and the guilt on your chest just continues to mount.
this is for the ones whoes desire to do good is always outweighed
and you don't do as you should.

this is for the ones who have been done wrong by sins.
at the corrupted hands of perverted men.

hold on.
HOLD ON!

soon will come the Celebration Wedding
and bundles of restoration will be our bedding.
soon will come the Celebration Wedding
and bundles of restoration will be our bedding.

the trumpeteer is taking a breath
the guests are taking their seats.
the Bride is putting on a veil.
the Father is making last-minute preparations.
there's ten thousand times ten thousand angels waiting in holy expectation.
the readied groom is ready.
soon will come the Celebration

if you are hurting, your hurt will cease.
if you are restless, you will find peace.
if you are empty, you will be filled.
all of these doubts and questions you have, they'll be stilled.
if life for you is just too trying, your tears will be dissipate.
there won't be anymore crying.
if the only thing you know is shame, you will be cleansed
and never again feel the same.

if you can't see straight
focus
persevere
and wait...

soon will come the Celebration Wedding
and bundles of complete restoration will be our bedding.

jesus wants to save christians

the Eucharist confronts its culture with the question, if we can spend a trillion dollars on a war, what else could we spend a trillion dollars on?

water?

food?

medicine?

education?

the Eucharist is about converting all of that ability and energy and entrepreneurial skill and can-do attitude into blessing for those on the underside of power. those on the margins. those who aren't in the game.

the Eucharist is about people with the power empowering the pwerless to make a better life for themselves.

...

we have been given everything we need for the fulfillment of the story. and the act of loving the poor is an act of fulfilling, remembering; it's living our hope; it's the fullness of him who fills all things in all ways.

it's not a building, because no building can ever be big enough for that kind of grace.

the Eucharist is not fair.

giving to those who can't give in return, that's not fair.

serving those who have no way to serve in return, that's not fair.

breaking yourself open and pouring yourself out for people who may never say thank you, that's not fair.

because God is not fair. this is a God who is defined by action on behalf of the oppressed. God is about giving the good gift. Jesus is God's good gift for the healing of the world. the church is Jesus' body, a good gift for the healing of the world.

...

a church is an organization that exists for the benefit of nonmembers.

this blessing extends even to our enemies.

...

the Eucharist is about the church setting the table for the whole world.

and i do believe its true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes

so i spent this past weekend up in the mountains with a fabulous group of women, being ridiculous, singing, dancing, making awkward faces and practicing being authentic. i have no other way to describe it other than amazing!!!

there were 23 awesome women, and i was blessed to feel like i made a friend in each of them. some had the opportunity to get deeper than others, but all in all i feel confident in saying that i have 23 new friends. i look forward to growing those relationships, and continuing to learn about these new people.

as you know, authenticity, truth, openness, love, etc are all values that i've been striving to grow in my life and with the people around me. this weekend was so condusive to that...just in the way that we spent our time, and the attitude that everyone had. we had a good amount of bonding activities, and free time to be silly and hang out, but the way we spent our devotional and small group time was also great! we had some deep questions, and i was blessed with a group that was ready to answer them, and be authentic, and show the others a glimpse of who they really are. it really helped to reinforce what's going on in my heart, as well as give me so much hope for where this group, and the church in general, is going from here. it was very cool to see so many people that have the same desires as me as far as building relationships. and very encouraging in my personal desire to be more intentional in my own friendships.

like i've been saying in my recent posts...things are happening. god is good. i'm soooo excited.

*whispers* "he is still here!"

We ndodana ye sizwe sonke

"oh, son of the nation" in zulu

from the song he lives in you (reprise)

the lion king - broadway musical

if you read my last blog, you have a vague idea of what is going on in my life.  i feel like that is still an accurate representation of where i'm at physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

that said, god is lining things up for me.  things i didn't expect to be lined up, but there is a path forming before me and i'm excited for it.

so far, i think being intentional with the people around me, and with god, has been working out very well for me.  i'm enjoying every little bit of where i'm at right now.

i'm also very excited for what's coming up.  giddy even.  jump up and down, scream emphatically, make you want to dance kind of excited.  god is good.

if you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud...the love that i was giving you was never in doubt

"babylon"
david gray

i have been incredibly blessed. the last time i wrote, i was about to embark on a journey to kenya, and now i have returned.

since this adventure, i have been listening to god. i had an amazing time, and i'm still processing what that means for my future. but the thing is, instead of asking god for a clear answer to where i should go next, he is showing me something different. not a different path that i should be on, but rather a new way to live.

my biggest "challenge" on my trip to kenya was being vulnerable. i did not open up to the people there like i could have. not that my trip was anything less than amazing, but this was something that i was aware was going to be a challenge before i left, and i didn't do a very good job of being aware and overcoming it.

since being back, god has been showing me that he is vulnerable, and that i need to be vulnerable with him before i can have a chance at being vulnerable with other people. god loves me unconditionally, sees me as who i am, every detail, and if i can't be vulnerable with him, how can i be vulnerable with fallible humans?

this goes hand in hand with everything that i believe in, and everything that i've wanted for my life in the past year or two. i desire to be intentional in my friendships, to be authentic and real and be who we are right where we are at, in the presence of god. but how am i going to do that without god?!

*lightbulb*

so there it is. there's where i'm at. i'm content with not knowing the answer right this very moment, but i'm also not giving up at pursuing it! if it is not god's will, he will shut the door. and if it is, i am embarking on the path of a lifetime. awesome.


love.