Monday, November 23, 2009

seasons

let me think of how to convey this...

i had a mentor in california who believes strongly in the connections between physical/mental/emotional/spiritual realms. in particular, she saw the connection between incredibly important life events and certain times in her life, or seasons. i like to think of it as relating to the people of Israel. sometimes you're in Egypt, sometimes you're in Sinai, sometimes you're in Babylon, and sometimes you're in Jerusalem. there is a time for being in each place, and in a sense, its cyclical. i've seen these connections in my own life, as well. let me explain a little further.

this time of year is a season for me. it starts in november and continues until sometime in late january, early february. there have been at least 2 or 3 years where i've noticed this pattern, and had this time period stick out to me where significant life events have occurred.

four years ago, during this time period, i experienced the disintigration of a friendship, my sense of self, and my relationship with God, as well as resorting back to depressive behaviors, including cutting. i came out on the other end of this having reestablished said friendship and my relationship with God, and learning to trust God with healing my heart and allowing him to love me.

the following year, i had a huge struggle with anxiety and learning the person that God made me to be. this was accompanied by anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, major changes in life circumstances, and the like. this time i came out on the other end knowing exactly what it means to give things up to God and trusting that he has my best interests at heart.

this last year was tame compared to the previous two years' chains of events. i had some times of being down, spent the first year of my life away from my family for most of the holidays, and was stretched to the breaking point being snowed in for a solid week.

prior to these times, i had not been a christian, and was thus experiencing this kind of stuff regularly throughout the year.

so, relating this back to my mentor and her thoughts...she told me that these time periods are related, and there was a significant event in my past during these months that is underlying in my heart and my subconsious that is causing these recurring thoughts and feelings. so i started thinking back, and i couldn't pinpoint anything that was traumatic or life-changing. and then it hit me.

my parent's divorce was finalized on the day after christmas when i was 4 years old. during these months when i was 4 years old, i experienced my family being torn apart.

i know it seems like this should be something i'm over. it happened when i was 4, right? but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. i wasn't old enough to understand, and be able to process all that a divorce means. i wasn't able to distinguish how it made me feel, express that, and move on. in a lot of ways, i was stagnated at that point, socially, emotionally, etc.

my point is this. i'm entering into a time that i know is a season for me. it is very easy for me, during this time, to be tired, anti-social, and be overcome by sadness. i don't know how to deal with that. i don't want this to be another year like ones past. that's all. i don't really know how to handle this time of the year.

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