i'm having trouble focusing today. which is probably good, because at the moment i'm trying to focus on reading the time traveler's wife, and its the last few pages and i'm not ready for it to end.
i'm feeling a bit of ennui today. i'm not sure whether it is the result of the death of my dear friend chuck norris (our fish), or the thoughts that are weighing on my heart and mind lately, or the lack of amazing things looming on my horizon, or some combination of the above. probably the latter.
i miss brenna.
i miss katie.
i'm grieving potential losses, which is silly because they are not yet losses, so why am i causing undo stress on myself? do i think its better to start grieving now so i'll be less sad later when it actually happens? this is warped logic. each day has enough trouble of its own, why worry about hypothetical situations in the future that i can't control? or can i control them by being aware of the possibilities now, and actively seeking positive outcomes?
i wish it were possible to read, write, and play minesweeper at the same time.
i am still haunted by words that my counselor said to me a couple years ago: he called me "wonderfully complex". i hate that about myself. i wish that i could just let things be simple. love God, love people. nothing else matters. if only it was that easy.
i'm very excited to learn about building godly, loving relationships in my small group. this study is going to be good.
i think my fears have warped themselves. i know that i have a fear of abandonment, and a fear of being unlovable. but i think now, there's also this element of the fear of being left behind...of being stagnant while people around me are moving forward.
i am appalled by how much power these lies have over my life, the way i think, the way i feel, and the way i act. how did i get to this point? how do i combat this? how do i take that power back, and give it to god?
"our heart survives between hammers, just as the tongue between the teeth is still able to praise...look, i’m alive. on what? neither childhood nor the future grows less…more being than I’ll ever need springs up in my heart." - the ninth elegy, rainer maria rilke
i have words floating around in my head. words, words, words...beckoning to be spilled on a page, to be freed from my head and my heart. but i don't know what they are. are these them?
