wont you let me give you a hand, i've got an extra i'm not using

its been a week or two since i've posted.

today i'm feeling overwhelmed.  the next few weeks are looming on the horizon, and i'm nervous.  i feel like things are going to change around me, and i wont be changing with them.  i'm scared that the upcoming changes are going to leave me in the dust.  and i'll be stuck.  i'm probably being dramatic, things wont be too bad, etc.  but this is how i feel.  i'm scared.  i'm afraid that the changes that i want to make in my life wont happen.  i feel discouraged, and i feel alone.

this aggression will not stand, man.

this last week has been an eventful one for the world around us. there was never really a time when i've felt particularly connected to the outside world (and by outside, i mean of course in relation to my own little comfortable bubble of influence). my world has almost always consisted of a 30 or so square mile area of northern california.

a few years ago i had the opportunity to broaden that a little bit, and pieces of my heart were scattered across the united states with the new friends that i had made on summer project.

now, my connections with the world have broadened still. i have friends who have been/are all over the world. friends who have lived in turkey, friends who were born in poland, friends that currently live in england.

and one friend in particular who is volunteering with the peace corps in Georgia. my heart is now irreversibly tied to a small country in eastern europe. my thoughts are literally half a world away, crossing borders in the night, leaving all possessions behind, tormented by the sound of bombs in the distance. this "war" has a face for me.

but then again...it should have a face for everyone. because the people fighting, and the people being attacked are all people. they all have a face, and a heart, and they are all human.

its the end of the world as we know it

things happen so quickly in my  mind.  most of the time i don't understand it.  i jump from one unreasonable conclusion to the next until i'm completely outside the realm of coherent thought, and feeling like poo.  i wish there was a way for me to get this under control, because it only leads to unnecessary hurt and insecurity.  and that's just ridiculous.  i guess its a good thing i know that i do this.  that's probably the first step right?  the difficulty comes in trying to decipher what are legitimate feelings and what is just me running away with my thoughts.

hmm...

conundrum.

i'm going back to california again.  this is the last time for a while.  its for sure going to be different this time because the friends that i once had there have mostly departed to their next journeys as well.  i have less than a handful of people (other than immediate family) that i care to see while i'm there.  that's fine with me.  its just going to be a different experience than i'm used to.

it kinda freaks me out that i don't have an idea of the next time i'm going home.  my trips home so far have been landmarks in the seattle experience.  like i just have to make it to my next visit home.  but after this, i don't have to go back for anything.  no more weddings, no more goodbyes.  i might not even go back for christmas.  its a weird feeling.

i'm done.

remember abby morgan? wait, is she not funny yet?

i love people.

i am nothing without the people around me. though they may change from time to time, and some are closer than others, i wouldn't be who i am today without the relationships i've been in: good, bad and everything in-between.

with what a powerful impact relationships can have on a person, i have a distinct goal with my relationships. i have an image in my head of the kind of friend that i want to be, and the kind of relationships i want to have.

i want to be intentional: making and continuing to make an effort to maintain relationships with people, even when distance or busy lifestyles keep us apart.

i want to be real: authentic (truefaced, if you will), honest, open with who i am, while at the same time allowing for an environment for other people to be just as real, authentic and honest with me.

i want to be loving: encouraging, uplifting, supportive in order to build people up.

i want to challenge: challenge those around me to be the best that they can be, not settle for complacency, but achieve goals that they have for themselves, and continuously grow as human beings.

i love MY people.

i put the fun in dysfunctional

Introspection is best for a person in moderated doses. I enjoy a good soul searching, but too much of it can have a detrimental effect on a person's well-being. That being the case, this entry will be sporadic, and not too in depth on anything in particular. I need a break from intense introspection and philosophizing.

I'm tired. This week has taken it out of me mentally. I've decided (again) that I need a new job. Its just too much. I have goals that I'm not doing anything to work toward right now. And I have self respect that is making it difficult for me to be in the current environment.

I can think of at least two people who are in the same boat with me on the work sitch. We all need to be more empowered and do things to better our circumstances. Whether that means making a stand to change how you're being treated, or ending the situation. We should have the courage and faith to know that we can do it, and it will be okay.

Okay, I feel better now. And none of this was too deep. It was just good.