jesus wants to save christians

the Eucharist confronts its culture with the question, if we can spend a trillion dollars on a war, what else could we spend a trillion dollars on?

water?

food?

medicine?

education?

the Eucharist is about converting all of that ability and energy and entrepreneurial skill and can-do attitude into blessing for those on the underside of power. those on the margins. those who aren't in the game.

the Eucharist is about people with the power empowering the pwerless to make a better life for themselves.

...

we have been given everything we need for the fulfillment of the story. and the act of loving the poor is an act of fulfilling, remembering; it's living our hope; it's the fullness of him who fills all things in all ways.

it's not a building, because no building can ever be big enough for that kind of grace.

the Eucharist is not fair.

giving to those who can't give in return, that's not fair.

serving those who have no way to serve in return, that's not fair.

breaking yourself open and pouring yourself out for people who may never say thank you, that's not fair.

because God is not fair. this is a God who is defined by action on behalf of the oppressed. God is about giving the good gift. Jesus is God's good gift for the healing of the world. the church is Jesus' body, a good gift for the healing of the world.

...

a church is an organization that exists for the benefit of nonmembers.

this blessing extends even to our enemies.

...

the Eucharist is about the church setting the table for the whole world.

and i do believe its true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes

so i spent this past weekend up in the mountains with a fabulous group of women, being ridiculous, singing, dancing, making awkward faces and practicing being authentic. i have no other way to describe it other than amazing!!!

there were 23 awesome women, and i was blessed to feel like i made a friend in each of them. some had the opportunity to get deeper than others, but all in all i feel confident in saying that i have 23 new friends. i look forward to growing those relationships, and continuing to learn about these new people.

as you know, authenticity, truth, openness, love, etc are all values that i've been striving to grow in my life and with the people around me. this weekend was so condusive to that...just in the way that we spent our time, and the attitude that everyone had. we had a good amount of bonding activities, and free time to be silly and hang out, but the way we spent our devotional and small group time was also great! we had some deep questions, and i was blessed with a group that was ready to answer them, and be authentic, and show the others a glimpse of who they really are. it really helped to reinforce what's going on in my heart, as well as give me so much hope for where this group, and the church in general, is going from here. it was very cool to see so many people that have the same desires as me as far as building relationships. and very encouraging in my personal desire to be more intentional in my own friendships.

like i've been saying in my recent posts...things are happening. god is good. i'm soooo excited.

*whispers* "he is still here!"

We ndodana ye sizwe sonke

"oh, son of the nation" in zulu

from the song he lives in you (reprise)

the lion king - broadway musical

if you read my last blog, you have a vague idea of what is going on in my life.  i feel like that is still an accurate representation of where i'm at physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

that said, god is lining things up for me.  things i didn't expect to be lined up, but there is a path forming before me and i'm excited for it.

so far, i think being intentional with the people around me, and with god, has been working out very well for me.  i'm enjoying every little bit of where i'm at right now.

i'm also very excited for what's coming up.  giddy even.  jump up and down, scream emphatically, make you want to dance kind of excited.  god is good.

if you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud...the love that i was giving you was never in doubt

"babylon"
david gray

i have been incredibly blessed. the last time i wrote, i was about to embark on a journey to kenya, and now i have returned.

since this adventure, i have been listening to god. i had an amazing time, and i'm still processing what that means for my future. but the thing is, instead of asking god for a clear answer to where i should go next, he is showing me something different. not a different path that i should be on, but rather a new way to live.

my biggest "challenge" on my trip to kenya was being vulnerable. i did not open up to the people there like i could have. not that my trip was anything less than amazing, but this was something that i was aware was going to be a challenge before i left, and i didn't do a very good job of being aware and overcoming it.

since being back, god has been showing me that he is vulnerable, and that i need to be vulnerable with him before i can have a chance at being vulnerable with other people. god loves me unconditionally, sees me as who i am, every detail, and if i can't be vulnerable with him, how can i be vulnerable with fallible humans?

this goes hand in hand with everything that i believe in, and everything that i've wanted for my life in the past year or two. i desire to be intentional in my friendships, to be authentic and real and be who we are right where we are at, in the presence of god. but how am i going to do that without god?!

*lightbulb*

so there it is. there's where i'm at. i'm content with not knowing the answer right this very moment, but i'm also not giving up at pursuing it! if it is not god's will, he will shut the door. and if it is, i am embarking on the path of a lifetime. awesome.


love.

will I discover a soul-saving love or just the dirt above and below me

"Doubting Thomas"
Nickel Creek
(i'm starting to cite the lyrical reference i use as my subject)


too long since my last expression.

i was sick for like 5 days this last week/end. it was awful. didn't work, didn't hang out with people. so basically i'm very lacking in the social contact arena. i feel like i've missed a lot. in this time, i've decided to learn to knit, and have felt deeply like writing in my journal again. i haven't done it in so long, and i forget how easy it is for me to process my life when i'm writing it down. i feel like i haven't really processed life as well as i have in the past. so i'm starting that up again soon. yay me.

i need to go shopping for wintery clothes, because i'm getting cold. but that will be very difficult to do, because i also have to pay for my passport and immunizations for kenya this month. boo for not having health insurance.

but exciting part: i have flight reservations for kenya now!!! its almost official! i'm so beyond excited its difficult to put into words. i have a layover in amsterdam too. how amazing is that?? i have all morning there too, so i'm hoping there will be a bit of time to go out in the city for something. frick. amazing.


side note. i've been working in the girls chemical dependency cottage, and i'm absolutely loving it. i love it even more than working with the little kids. which is not what i expected. if i were to move to a full time position, i think i would want it to be with this program. i am trying to be aware of this new development, and trying not to lose sight of my vision. i don't want to forget that my goal is to go to africa and work with the children there. but then again, what if i'm supposed to do something with chemical dependency for a while, because i know i'm not meant to be in africa right now. that's something that's going to happen down the line in the future. so...i'm curious about the new possibilities that are opening up from this.

thanksgiving is this week. i'm not going home. this is my first major holiday away from home. its going to be weird, but i'm proud of myself for having a life up here and people to spend the holiday with. its kind of exciting to be building a life for myself up here.

i guess that's all. i have more to say, but its all in random sporadic thoughts rather than cohesive ideas.



love

i found myself facedown in at ditch, booze in my hair, blood on my lips

I'M GOING TO KENYA!!!



i feel so much like this opportunity is coming right now to affirm all the work that God has done in my heart in the last few months. why would i feel this incredible burden on my heart for this time, and then have the exact opportunity to do what i've been dreaming of fall into my lap so unexpectedly? i feel like puzzle pieces are matching up, stars are aligning, watches are synchronizing...

here we go.



i have a poem and a painting in my heart right now. they will be coming out very soon. and i'm excited for that.

:)

take the world upon your shoulders, and burn, burn, burn, burn, burn

guess who's having red mill for lunch today. oh yeah, that's me. so excited!


so seasons are changing. i mean that literally and metaphorically. i absolutely love seeing seattle in the fall. autumn is my favorite. the colors change on the trees, the leaves fall to the ground...i fear there wont be much crunching of the leaves due to the massive amounts of rain in this region, but oh well.

metaphorically speaking, i begin a new chapter of my life next week. the weight and significance of this has not hit me yet. i am about to embark on the first step of actually realizing the vision that i have for my life. for those who haven't heard, next week i start my new job as on-call residential counselor at ryther child center. this will entail working in several different residential programs that ryther offers, mainly with kids who are warrants of the state whose parents have little to no rights, and who also have severe behavioral/boundary issues, and possibly with kids who are in treatment for chemical dependency. this is going to be a really intense transition, because i have not worked in this kind of environment before. i am lucky, because so far, my plan is to keep my current job at the bank temporarily and on an intermittent basis. that means that while i'm learning the ropes and adjusting to the environment at my new job, i can have the bank as a back-up. not as a chance to keep it available to me if it gets too difficult, because i do not want to back away from this challenge. more as a confidence builder, that at least sometimes i'll be doing something that i know i'm good at. and also as a release, a chance to take a break from new stressful challenges, while still making the money that i need.




now for why i am so excited for this job, and the real reason for this blog. it has been a long and eventful journey to get me here. it started out at urbana '06. i read isaiah 6 and felt a deep connection to the passage. the man i heard speak about it talked about how isaiah was given his vision by God. first, isaiah was given a glimpse of the holiness of God, an image of who God is. next, isaiah was shown the areas of his life that needed cleansing, or work, or where he was sinful. and finally, isaiah was given a calling from God. God had a task that isaiah was to fulfill and isaiah stepped up to the plate. when i read this passage, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that this is what my journey would be like.

sure enough, i saw the first part of this prophecy start to take shape. it wasn't necessarily as linear as isaiah's experience, but had all the same steps none-the-less. first i was given a vision of the holiness of God. i was overwhelmed with the realization of who God is, how great and big and loving he is. this experience was both a literal vision that i had in a dream, as well as the longer process of reading scripture and learning about the nature of God. next, God showed me who i am. i had to look at the essence of what makes me who i am. i looked at my flaws, my sins, and areas where i could grow as a person. and i also looked at things about myself that are good, beautiful and worthy of love (you might not think so, but both were equally difficult for me, since up until this point i had deemed myself unlovable). this process took an even longer period of time, finally culminating in finding peace and safety in the promises God makes about himself and his relationship with me. so for about the last year, i have been basking in how amazing it feels to know who God is, and know who i am, and how God and i relate to each other.

moving to seattle was a big step in my journey as well, because it has allowed me to take a step out of the comfortable life that i've known for 21 years and see if i could fare as an adult on my own. so far its been good. since i've been here, learning how to function without the system i'd had around me til now, and learning to build my own relationships and support, i've had a chance to take a look at my life, what i'm doing to make it better, how i'm growing and what i'm doing to aid in making progress. i decided i wasn't really doing anything. i took a job in banking, which i desperately wanted to get out of when i moved here, and had started to settle into familiar routines, just in a different place. so i started taking steps to better myself. i have had a desire in my heart for travel for a long time, and have in the past few years felt like i was being led in a missionary direction, but i haven't been sure what that will look like. so, in an effort to facilitate growing towards figuring that out, i decided to work on becoming more globally minded. in this process, i have been given a vision for my life. not just a vague idea like possibly being a missionary somewhere in the world doing who knows what. i have a more specific idea of where i want to end up:

i have developed a big heart for africa. namely people who are refugees from their country, people who have been affected by the civil wars that rage on that continent, and families that have been torn apart by the AIDS pandemic. it is my desire to go to africa, most likely southern africa, and start/work in an orphanage. i want to provide a home and love to children who's parents have died of aids, or who were forced out of their country due to civil war, or have other needs. i don't have a timeline on this, though. its tough to say whether i will be in africa in the next 5 years, or if it will take me 15-20 years to complete this goal. but that's what i want to be the icing on the cake of my life. its where i want to end up.

so this job at ryther will be the first step toward achieving that. it will challenge me in ways that i'm not used to, and i will be able to begin pouring into the lives of children who need it the most. i will have the chance to provide hope to kids who have lost it, and love to kids who have forgotten what that feels like. so i'm excited!



this blog has turned out to be way longer than anticipated, but i'm okay with that. kudos to you if you actually read the whole thing!!

with love,
car