home

i made a realization today.

every time i come home i think about all the great things about this place. i glamorize it in my mind and get to the point where i even kind of miss it at times. when it gets really intense i even sometimes wish i could go back.

now, i don't really feel this way about home. i'm happy to be gone and i'm happy with the life i've cultivated for myself. so it can be somewhat disconcerting when i get to the point of missing it.

the realization comes in this: i don't actually miss this place, nor do i want to come back. the feeling that i get isn't a desire to have it back at all. it is a feeling of safety and comfort and of familiarity.

that's what gets me every time.

think i'm mistaking you for somebody else

"foolish games"
jewel


i'm writing today having just returned from a short visit home to elk grove. who am i kidding, all my visits to elk grove are short, thank goodness.

anyway, my best friend and a couple good ones drove back to our hometown partially to celebrate a birthday, and partially to reconnect with important things in our past and present lives. overall, the trip was great, and much needed, since i had not been back since christmas, and even then it was a very short visit. i did, however, learn a few things while i was there.

first: i have come a long way from the person that i used to be. it had been almost a year since i've spent time with these people, particularly my family, and i've had a lot of big experiences and adventures since then. i was able to share some of this with them, and it felt good to be able to invite them to know the person that i feel like i'm well on my way to becoming. it was also encouraging to hear positive statements of affirmation from them, recognizing a change.

second: aside from my family, i have come to realize that the support system, and network of friends that i once held so dear is no longer what it used to be. that is okay. i had fun visiting briefly with the few friends that i got to see. but i've come to realize that i've developed the community i've desired here, in seattle. i had hopes in moving up here, desires, and i've seen them come to fruition. that's a good feeling.

third: i get really irritable when i'm exhausted. sorry for that. ;)