its the end of the world as we know it

things happen so quickly in my  mind.  most of the time i don't understand it.  i jump from one unreasonable conclusion to the next until i'm completely outside the realm of coherent thought, and feeling like poo.  i wish there was a way for me to get this under control, because it only leads to unnecessary hurt and insecurity.  and that's just ridiculous.  i guess its a good thing i know that i do this.  that's probably the first step right?  the difficulty comes in trying to decipher what are legitimate feelings and what is just me running away with my thoughts.

hmm...

conundrum.

i'm going back to california again.  this is the last time for a while.  its for sure going to be different this time because the friends that i once had there have mostly departed to their next journeys as well.  i have less than a handful of people (other than immediate family) that i care to see while i'm there.  that's fine with me.  its just going to be a different experience than i'm used to.

it kinda freaks me out that i don't have an idea of the next time i'm going home.  my trips home so far have been landmarks in the seattle experience.  like i just have to make it to my next visit home.  but after this, i don't have to go back for anything.  no more weddings, no more goodbyes.  i might not even go back for christmas.  its a weird feeling.

i'm done.